Brazil Nuts is a new short story by one of Mooresville’s very own. If you would like to contribute a short story of 350 to 500 words, contact Hanna Schoenrock, Managing Editor.

 

Brazil Nuts

WUMP WUMP WUMP. I used to complain when the sun would wake me up. WUMP WUMP WUMP. Now that’s not such a problem. In the street below, where the early-morning menace of a sun is about to shine, the largest of menaces tromps, carrying his friend and fellow nuisance atop his back. About a week ago, two total lunatics bought an elephant for their son.

I can’t imagine what they were thinking, buying him an elephant, but I can tell you this: they both have very high-paying jobs. Elephants cost a fortune to feed — this elephant more than a typical elephant. A typical elephant eats grass and leaves. An expensive elephant eats peanuts. This elephant eats imported Brazil nuts — but only ones imported from Kenya. Do you have the slightest idea how much those cost? I looked it up once. One pound of those nuts costs one thousand pounds. As best I can tell, that means they cost an infinite amount of money. This elephant is the most expensive creature there is.

Speaking of expensive, the elephant isn’t only expensive for the boy’s parents.

My wife and I are truly blessed we both favor blue cars. Blue cars are not the kind of cars that upset the boy. He has a great dislike for red and even yellow cars. They remind him of traffic lights. He hates to be stalled by such arbitrary constructions of society or to even think of being stalled, so the boy has the elephant sit on cars of those colors. His parents make him announce his intentions out front so as not to kill anyone, but still, it’s a great pain losing a car. Our neighbors are trying to fight with their insurance company; they say that an elephant should count as either a natural disaster or an act of God, but the insurance company isn’t budging. My wife and I have agreed that if the elephant destroys our car, we shall say that it was not the elephant, but an act of God. We have kept fastidious records of all our recent sinning as proof that we have likely upset God. Having examined the list, we now keep it in a locked drawer lest the neighbors see it and decide the elephant is an act of God and has been sent to punish the neighborhood on account of the two of us.

We all hope one day the child will outgrow his pet, but he may outgrow the pet literally. He eats the same Brazil nuts his elephant eats, and they make him grow large like his pet. While we’d be happy to be rid of the elephant, would there really be an advantage to a child-shaped, elephant-sized menace?

No seriously, I’m asking you a question.

 

Photo courtesy of Pixabay

 

Brent Holmes is a Data Scientist at Lowe’s by day and a fiction author by night. His work has appeared in October Hill, Night Picnic Press, Literally Stories, and Active Muse. Brent has a doctorate in mathematics from the University of Kansas, and he lives in Mooresville, NC. You can follow him @author_holmes.