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Even with the best of intentions, offering comfort to someone who is grieving a loss can fall short. I have experienced the loss of my husband and been both comforted and hurt by the words from friends, colleagues, and strangers. It is not unusual; in fact, it happens all the time. Vulnerability caused me to put up walls, and my perceptions were not always accurate.
I have read several articles on what to say and what not to say to someone who is grieving. Condolences offered at the time of loss are often a product of a person’s beliefs about death, cultural background, experience, or lack of experience with death. I often found that I was offering comfort to those who were trying to comfort me. I was an independent, do-it-myself, need-no-help person. Many people perceived I was “OK.” They seemed to have trouble finding the right words or actions to share or felt unsure how to approach me. I learned a lot about what felt comforting to me and what did not. Now I pause and think before I offer words of comfort to someone who has experienced a loss. I am still learning.
What really meant a lot to me were the notes of condolence received. I felt that each person demonstrated their caring in unique ways by choosing a card just for me. The written words of comfort were just for me. Another thing I found was that many people I worked with had their own story of grief and loss that they shared with me. I had no idea. It made me stop and think of how little we knew about each other. Acknowledging the commonality of grief was very comforting.
These statements may be said with heart-felt sincerity, but can be perceived differently than intended. They look innocent but….
Concept by Susan Silk, Graphic by Annie Reneau
This “Comfort In, Dump Out” is the Ring Theory, a concept created by psychologist Susan Silk. It goes like this: The core is the focus where the aggrieved or afflicted person exists. The griever can express positive and negative feelings freely.
The person is surrounded by different circles of those who care. Only things that provide comfort flow inward toward the central person. ANY negativity flows outward, away from the circle.
These are some neutral statements that are suggested by the literature. They allow the space for a griever to hear and respond to those who care. They also demonstrate that you are “present” for whatever the griever wants or needs: to sit in silence next to you, to tell their story as you listen, to hold your hand, to validate the loss, to know you care, and more. Often comforting words can be followed by a warm HUG. Nonverbal communication speaks volumes — HUGS are always welcome.
Sometimes all you can do is hug a friend tightly and wish that their pain could be transferred by touch to your own emotional hard drive. — Richelle E. Goodrich
Source for the Ring Theory article:
Susan Silk and Barry Goldman, “How Not to Say the Wrong Thing”, April 7, 2013. L.A Times.
Cheryl A. Barrett, RN, MSN, NC-BC, is a retired nurse with 30-plus years in a variety of settings: clinical bedside in ICU, staff educator, academic instructor both didactic and clinical, supervisor, home care education, editorial director of a nursing magazine and is a board certified integrative nurse coach.
In 2018 she published Good Grief: Strategies for Building Resilience and Supporting Transformation, inspired by the death of her husband. She won the American Journal of Nursing Book of the Year, 2018 in the category of Palliative Care and Hospice for her book. She is currently creating a companion workbook for those experiencing grief and loss.
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