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Cheryl A. Barrett has words of wisdom for moving through grief and loss, whether it is a national tragedy like the upcoming 20th anniversary of 9-11 or a personal one. We hope this article offers some comfort on your journey. —EH Stafford, Managing Editor
You’ve gone and left me. I didn’t have a say, but I feel your
presence beside me as I move forward day-by-day.
— Cheryl A. Barrett, Nurse Coach, Author
Some materials I have read on this topic take offense at saying people “NEED to MOVE ON.” They argue that you just “MOVE THROUGH” the grieving process: adapting, growing, relapsing, adjusting, remembering, reflecting, and being. I agree with this as time only softens the pain, but healing may never be complete.
You are not the same, even at the deepest level of YOU. If you have been a “we” for a long time, you will be learning to love the new, emerging of self.
I have collected these following words of wisdom over time from my personal experience, from others sharing their story of loss, as well as from research and reading of others’ stories of grief:
Just because you have moved forward doesn’t mean you never loved the one you lost. You cannot change the reality of your history, but you can continue to honor the memories you shared with those close to you. You cherish what you had and build new memories and experience joy again.
Grieving is an unpredictable, gut-wrenching, and messy process full of progress and setbacks. Just when you think you have made much progress, you can get bowled over by a wave of unrelenting grief. But you get back on your feet and keep moving forward — as many times as it takes.
Brain fog may continue for more than a year, especially for those who react with severe shock and trauma to such an event. You are grieving and distracted. Be patient with yourself. Accept help from others.
A sense of living two lives may permeate your grieving, as your emotions fluctuate from joy to despair. You may feel your sanity is at risk, but this will pass. No, you are not schizophrenic, bi-polar or losing your mind. You are healing. This takes time.
Remember to use any coping mechanisms that have worked for you in the past to support your journey through grief and loss. However, if you need some help, consider consulting a professional. Sometimes you just need an extra boost in your recovery process.
Celebrate memories of your loved one. Recollections are part of who you are. It’s OK to celebrate your loved one’s existence, to say their name and to continue to love them. This validates them and their role in part of your life.
Ask for a hug when you need one. Ask for companionship when lonely. Offer your hugs and companionship to others in need. You have learned a lot on this journey. You have a lot to share with others who are experiencing the same emotions.
And if someone tells you that it’s time to move on and get over it, take a deep breath, stand firm and tell them that you need to heal at your own pace. Ask them to honor and support you in this stressful journey.
I learned while moving through the grieving process was this simple truth — just keep moving regardless of the setbacks and allow time for healing.
Cheryl A. Barrett, RN, MSN, NC-BC, is a retired nurse with 30-plus years in a variety of settings: clinical bedside in ICU, staff educator, academic instructor both didactic and clinical, supervisor, home care education, editorial director of a nursing magazine and is a board certified integrative nurse coach.
In 2018 she published Good Grief: Strategies for Building Resilience and Supporting Transformation, inspired by the death of her husband. She won the American Journal of Nursing Book of the Year, 2018 in the category of Palliative Care and Hospice for her book. She is currently creating a companion workbook for those experiencing grief and loss.
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