Widow’s Den, Monica Lucia Hoffman
What Should We Tell The Children?
When tragedy strikes, one of the hardest questions parents face is: What should we tell the children? We want to protect them from pain, but silence can often cause more confusion and fear than truth ever could. Children are intuitive — they sense change, tension, and sadness, even if they can’t put it into words. Honesty, in an age-appropriate way, is the first step in helping them feel safe.
1. Speak the Truth with Gentle Honesty
Avoid vague phrases like “went to sleep” or “passed away” without explanation — young minds can take those words literally and develop unnecessary fears. Instead, use clear and loving language: “Grandpa died, and that means his body stopped working. He isn’t hurting anymore, and we’ll always remember him.” It’s okay to admit when you don’t have all the answers. What matters most is your presence and honesty.
2. Create a Safe Space for Feelings
Children process emotions differently than adults. One moment they might cry, the next they’re playing like nothing happened. This is normal. Give them permission to feel whatever comes up — sadness, anger, confusion, or even laughter. Let them know that every feeling is valid. Encourage them to talk, draw, write, or act out their emotions through play. Art and storytelling are powerful tools for healing.
3. Keep Routines and Rituals
Stability offers comfort when everything else feels uncertain. Try to maintain bedtime routines, meals, and school schedules as much as possible. Familiar rhythms help reassure children that life continues, even when it feels different. You might also create new rituals — lighting a candle, visiting a favorite park, or writing letters to your loved one. These acts become gentle reminders of connection and continuity.
4. Model Healthy Grieving
Children learn by watching. When they see you cry, talk about your feelings, or share memories, they understand that grief is a natural part of love. Saying, “I miss Grandma too, and it makes me sad,” shows them that emotions aren’t something to hide — they’re something to honor.
5. Watch for Changes in Behavior
Sometimes grief shows up as trouble sleeping, irritability, withdrawal, or acting out. These are signs your child may need extra support. School counselors, grief support groups, or a family therapist can provide guidance. No one should have to navigate loss alone — and that includes children.
6. Reassure Them of Safety and Love
The loss of a loved one can make children worry about losing others. Offer reassurance: “I’m here, and you are safe.” A child’s biggest comfort comes from knowing they are loved, heard, and not alone in their feelings.
Grief has no timeline — especially for young hearts. What they need most is your patience, your presence, and your permission to grieve in their own way. When words feel hard to find, remember this: children don’t need perfect explanations — they need honest hearts, open arms, and the promise that love doesn’t end, even when life changes forever.
Monica Lucia is the Author of The Final Chapter and a passionate advocate for those navigating grief and loss. She is the Founder of Widow’s Den and Sisterhood of LKN, dedicated to supporting families. In addition to her writing and community-building work, Monica is the Grief and Bereavement Counselor and End-of-Life Doula at EveryStory Partners, Charlotte, NC. [email protected]
