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There is a common thread among those who have had their lives changed drastically. Whether they lost a spouse, a child, a parent, were divorced, lost a job or suffered an illness. They shared that they were not the same and they struggled to find their way to becoming and being the new person “AFTER” the life-changing event.
A woman in her 60’s came to one of my grief seminars and spoke with me afterward. She shared that she did not know what she could do now that her husband died. She was alone and wanting to “do something”. She felt she had no skills and did not know what to do or who she was without her husband.
I asked her, “What did you do before you were married?”
She responded, “I was a teacher, but then got married.”
I asked, “Did you have any children?”
She said, “I have two boys.”
I asked, “Did you teach your boys?”
She said, “Yes, I did.”
I asked, “Did you use some of your teaching skills while you were married?”
She said, “Yes, I did.”
I shared with her the concept of creating a timeline for herself from birth until present. Listening closely to her story and asking powerful questions helped her identify the thread of teaching that wove through her life and one that could be brought into the future — The NOW. A lightbulb went on and she started talking about possibilities of volunteering to teach children in some way. She left with hope and new purpose.
Here is an example of a timeline — mine. It shows my timeline from birth until now (1950 – 2021, so far). Keep in mind this is only a summary. Yours will be unique to you.
This is my life from birth until marriage. Not very exciting.
Marriage to Fred and includes practicing my “domestic goddess” role, birth of our daughter, graduation from college for nursing, a master’s degree in nursing, putting my daughter through college, working as a nurse, my husband’s retirement, illnesses, happy and sad times.
I title this “Life after Fred” as this was my life-changing event. During this time, I grieved, retired from nursing, sold my home in PA, moved to North Caroling with my daughter, wrote a book on Grief and Loss, developed some creative talents, and met new people.
I essentially wrote my new story. I used so many skills I learned along the way that allowed me to grow and become the person I am now. Yes, I still miss my husband, Fred, and wish he were here with me. And sometimes I feel the pain of loss acutely. My faith keeps me strong; my friends keep me company, and my daughter is my heart. I still have a purpose to fulfill.
Include significant events. It can be more detailed than the one above and you’ll get more out of it. You can add other timelines as they intersect with yours. However, it might bring more clarity if you just focus on YOU and the LOSS (life-changing event) to start.
You may be more creative and add more sections. Be as detailed as you want. Identify all the skills you have gained along the way and write them in each section on a separate piece of paper.
Analyze the data for clues to what you want to bring along as you develop the “New You.” You may have started doing this already and just need some encouragement. Try new things, be brave, and have fun.
Cheryl A. Barrett, RN, MSN, NC-BC, is a retired nurse with 30-plus years in a variety of settings: clinical bedside in ICU, staff educator, academic instructor both didactic and clinical, supervisor, home care education, editorial director of a nursing magazine and is a board certified integrative nurse coach.
In 2018 she published Good Grief: Strategies for Building Resilience and Supporting Transformation, inspired by the death of her husband. She won the American Journal of Nursing Book of the Year, 2018 in the category of Palliative Care and Hospice for her book. She is currently creating a companion workbook for those experiencing grief and loss.
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