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As you grieve the loss of a loved one, you are bombarded by many challenges. Emotions may overwhelm you and create unwanted reactions that impede your healing progress. I learned about the stages of grief, developed by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist and author of the book On Death and Dying (Simon & Schuster/Touchstone, 1969). However, it was not until the loss of my husband that I began to truly understand the impact.
The stages of grief for me did not happen in a linear fashion. They came two at a time or all at once. Often, I would work through one stage and then have to go back and revisit it. It was like I was riding an emotional rollercoaster.
I chose to use the analogy of a “cup of tea” to help you relate how the bitter taste of bad tea can connect with the bitter taste of Grief. You don’t keep drinking the bitter tea; you change the teabag. So why not use the tips below to change your Grief Tea to Healing Tea?
You do not acknowledge the event as a reality. You are stumbling through the first wave of grief. It’s difficult to face the void caused by the loss of a loved one. Denial provides a cocoon of safety at first, but only for a short time.
Loss hits pretty hard and fast. At first you are numb and feel like you are living in a fog unable to see ahead. As you go about your day without him/her, reality sets in as denial ebbs. I have read that it’s important to experience the emotions surrounding loss. “Better out than in,” so they say. It helps to lean on your loved ones and friends for support — a big plus at this time. Be kind to yourself.
You are not happy about the loss. However some may be conflicted due to the pain and suffering their loved one experienced. that death seems like a blessing. You are angry with the one that has died and left you behind, ALONE, to carry on with life without them. You may also direct your anger at others who happen to be in the right place at the wrong time.
“Better out than in,” works here also. BUT it is better to redirect the outbursts in different venues. Try pounding your pillow with fists, yelling into a pillow, talking to yourself in front of a mirror, writing in a journal. Find some way to create an outlet for anger, frustration, and anxiety. These feelings may be eased by distraction, meditation, breathing exercises, taking a walk in nature, or whatever creates a sense of calmness.
You want to make a deal to get things back the way they were. You keep rehashing the events leading up to the death and going over the ‘what ifs’ that could have changed the outcome. You may have even offered to exchange places.
Bargaining won’t change anything. Try forgiveness for what you have perceived you did or did not do. Forgive your loved one for leaving you. Yes, it is hard to do this. It takes time because you want to hold on to the hurt and the loss. It feels awful, this “being without” your loved one.
You may feel that you now have nothing to live for, no purpose or usefulness. You withdraw from family, friends, and social gatherings to stay safely in your nest of sadness. Crying, hiding out from friends, not taking care of yourself, and isolation are warning signs. Beware, depression likes its new home and wants to nest inside you.
Motivation and intention helps break the grip of depression. Don’t pull the covers back over your head to sleep. Get out of bed, take a shower, put on clean clothes, open the curtains, or call a friend to come help you. Just pick one positive thing to do today. You are not alone.
You realize that things are different now, and you spend time focusing on the needs of the present. However, you never forget your loss and memories of your time together.
This will never happen you say, but believe me — it does. Time keeps moving forward, the days, months, and years. You want to be present for all the wonderful things that can happen: births, weddings, sunsets, and more. Don’t miss a moment. I found joy, and it will happen to you too.
You’ve overcome Denial and come to terms with the Reality of your loss. Anger only alienated those who wanted to support you. Bargaining did not bring about a different outcome. You’ve kicked Depression out of its new home. And are finally ready to begin your new life through Acceptance.
YES, BUT… You may cycle back to any of the stages above and experience these emotions again and again. They ease with time. Use the tips to help you move forward on your healing journey.
REMEMBER: As you move through the grieving process, you have the power to “CHANGE THE TEABAG” at any time!
Cheryl A. Barrett, RN, MSN, NC-BC, is a retired nurse with 30-plus years in a variety of settings: clinical bedside in ICU, staff educator, academic instructor both didactic and clinical, supervisor, home care education, editorial director of a nursing magazine and is a board certified integrative nurse coach.
In 2018 she published Good Grief: Strategies for Building Resilience and Supporting Transformation, inspired by the death of her husband. She won the American Journal of Nursing Book of the Year, 2018 in the category of Palliative Care and Hospice for her book. She is currently creating a companion workbook for those experiencing grief and loss.
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