Let me back up. Primary loss is the death of a loved one. The people we love, and how they are no longer in our lives it’s the initial start of grief. There is a process that your brain goes through during grief in order to move forward with healthy, healing thoughts; there are five stages to help you understand what you are feeling and going through.
The five stages of grief are often referred to as the Kübler-Ross model, after the Swiss psychiatrist who originally developed the theory for people who were grieving.
The five stages of grief are a way to understand the mourning process, but they are not a rigid framework that applies to everyone. People may not go through all the stages, or they may not experience them in order. Grief is a personal experience, and there is no typical response to loss.
Here are some examples of what the five stages of grief might look like:
Healing from loss can take time and patience. Counseling and support groups can help people cope with grief. Please reach out if you have any questions.
People don’t like to talk about secondary losses—this is the one I ran away from, but I couldn’t get very far. Secondary loss is also accepting that you have new dreams and new goals for yourself. You even take that first vacation by yourself.
Many people forget to talk about secondary loss, which is everything that happens because of that primary loss, especially spousal loss. This can include loss of financial stability, income, a co-parent, and other relationships. Imagine for an instant that a person died, and you’re no longer friends with their friends, or the people who worked in that person’s life are no longer in your life—coworkers and even their relatives don’t call anymore. People don’t ask you to do things anymore.
The loss of your future, whether we like it or not, we envisioned a particular type of future for ourselves and the people in our lives. If that person is no longer there, it’s a massive hole in what you planned and maybe what you hoped for your future. You may also have other physical losses. You might lose the home you live in, and you might feel like you’ve lost part of your identity or traditions. These secondary losses can feel almost infinite in grief without support.
I just wanted to come in and talk a little bit about that because I don’t think everyone realizes how many additional losses you might face because of the death of a person in your life. Many people don’t talk about their secondary loss because it doesn’t fit into the five stages of grief.
If you’re feeling any primary loss or secondary loss, my heart goes out to you, and I hope that you have someone in your corner. If you need a friend, you found one with Widow’s Den. We are here to support you. You are not alone.
Monica Lucia is the Author of the book The Final Chapter, the Founder of Widow’s Den, and the Founder of The Sisterhood of LKN. She holds two patents and is a successful entrepreneur.
